For the first time in 28 years

I have not bought a Valentine’s present for my husband. I am divorcing him.

Disabilities can change how the processes of falling in love, joining, living together, loving together, and separating happen.

For most disabled people, their disabilities affect how others perceive them as even being interested or capable to find love or sex. (WTF?!)

For many disabled people, their disabilities can even change whether or not others afford them even the opportunities to find love or sex. (Again, WTF?!)

Although my husband and I both have disabilities that have changed how we are employed, communicate with each other and others, parent our children, or even sleep together (literally and figuratively), the divorce had nothing to do with our disabilities.  It’s just about the usual sorts of moral failings that can lead to divorce (even after the sensible year of counselling to assay changes).

Because in the end, love and sex do not happen because people are able or disabled.  They happen because all people are people.  And when love and sex quit, they happen because all people are people.  Just people.  Like everyone else.

This post is (slightly belated) part of Dave Hingsburger’s “Sexy Bloggers” blog carnival on disabilities and love/sexuality, over at his blog, Chewing the Fat.


  1. greg said,

    18 February 2009 at 23:21

    I wish you the best and thanks for posting this in such a thoughtful way.

  2. The Goldfish said,

    16 February 2009 at 21:04

    I’m sorry to hear this Andrea, but wish you all the best. Will be thinking of you.

  3. 15 February 2009 at 20:09

    Wow. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal part of your story. My best wishes to you and your family during a difficult time.

  4. Lee said,

    15 February 2009 at 19:08

    I don’t comment that often. I’m not sure if I have commented at all. I just want to hope you the best.

  5. Bendy Girl said,

    15 February 2009 at 11:43

    Thinking of you, BG

  6. yanub said,

    15 February 2009 at 5:05

    I am sorry you are having to go through divorce. It’s so common, but we don’t really talk about it even nowadays. I hope you have support and maintain your emotional health throughout the process and recovery.

  7. Wheelchairdancer said,

    15 February 2009 at 3:25

    Wishing you the best as you set out on this new journey.


  8. fridawrites said,

    15 February 2009 at 3:03

    Wishing you the best and thikning of you.

  9. Anne said,

    15 February 2009 at 2:13

    In the years after my divorce when I was single, I used to buy myself valentine’s candy. I wish I had some right now, but I’m not supposed to eat it anymore. Anyway, love and autism, not mutually exclusive.

  10. dave said,

    14 February 2009 at 21:48

    Thanks for the post, I didn’t know about the divorce and hope that it’s as painless as something like that could possibly be. Your point about how the divorce isn’t about the disability is one that I’ll bet others have a hard time believing … isn’t everything in our lives affected by disability … um, no.

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