22 Things That Give Crippled Trekkers Away in “Normal” Company

This is a pass-along joke rather than something I’ve written — I don’t even use a wheelchair, but it’s too irresistibly geeky to not share! Need I mention that our children grew up watching Star Trek: Next Generation? Or that one of our cats actually is named Spot?

22. You have tried to breed legless hamsters so you can have a Tribble.

21. You write the President to let you join the Navy. Not to get PWD into the services but just so you can serve on a ship named “Enterprise.”

20. When you go to vote and the polling place is not accessible, you flip open your cell phone and say loud enough for the voting officials to hear, “Now would be a good time, Scotty! One to beam up!”

19. Bombed out of your mind at the office Christmas party, you attempt the “Vulcan nerve pinch” on the guy who keeps leaving his brief case on the floor in your way.

18. You never really finished college, yet you have a “Federation Academy of Technology” or “Vulcan Academy of Science” sticker, proudly posted on the battery box of your wheelchair.

17. During an argument with your city manager about finally getting more curb cuts downtown you call him an “ugly bag of mostly water.”

16. When you get out of your wheelchair and onto the toilet you say, in your best Patrick Stewart voice, “Transfer of data is complete.”

15. You once seriously hurt your roommate trying to figure out how to do that Vulcan neck-pinch thing.

14. You get so confused when people don’t understand why it goes against the Prime Directive to help little old ladies with walkers across the street.

13. When speaking about nuclear disarmament, you sneer at the idea that the able bodied can be trusted not to exploit any sign of weakness.

12. Every piece of your durable medical equipment somehow reflects something Trekkie.

11. You work words like “warp”, “blue alert”, “imzadi,” and “p’toQ” into disability jokes.

10. Your bulletin board at work looks like an ad for Paramount and is SO interesting your co-workers pull up a chair to look at it so they don’t miss anything new you’ve added at wheelchair user level..

9. You wear your communicator pin on your wheelchairs safety strap for convenience.

8. You’re giving blood at the lab, and you start singing “You tiny little life-forms…”

7. You shave your head to look “really hot” but friends start asking you if you have cancer, too, besides just being crippled.

6. The “warp factor” modifications you’ve made to your wheelchair’s joy stick box…

5. When people really irritate you, like when they offer to hold open a door for you, you say “No thanks, I can get it,” but they do anyway and then stand in front of the door so you can’t roll on through, you whip out your dustbuster, point it at them, and make a buzzing noise.

4. “Fully functional” has a very special meaning for you.

3. You get a cat instead of a service dog just so you can name it “Spot.”

2. That pointy-eared guy tattooed on your shoulder has prosthetics for all four limbs.

1. Whenever you get off the mainline bus you don’t just say goodbye to the driver, you make the Vulcan V-sign and tell everyone on board to live long and prosper.

The joke comes from Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely Euphemized. You too can get a motley collection of disability-related funnies in your e-mail box by sending a blank post to: CripHumor-subscribe [at] topica [dot] com

9 Comments

  1. abbie said,

    6 March 2009 at 21:46

    This so made me laugh…thanks for the post!

  2. yanub said,

    14 March 2008 at 7:01

    Poor Capt. Pike. It’s a sad fate to be left in the hands of the Star Fleet V.A!

  3. 13 March 2008 at 22:30

    Yeah, I was surprised when I saw that episode, that nobody ever thought of switch scanning.

  4. livsparents said,

    13 March 2008 at 21:30

    ‘He just keeps blinking no…’

    Roddenberry had some dead on technology guesses, but he sure missed out on Capt Pike!

  5. qw88nb88 said,

    13 March 2008 at 19:34

    Shiva said, “Die, lithium cripples!”

    *snort* Oh dang, I nearly inhaled my soda! LOL

    andrea

  6. shiva said,

    13 March 2008 at 18:13

    Die, lithium cripples!

  7. 12 March 2008 at 22:44

    It’s they dilithium crystals, Cap’n…

  8. livsparents said,

    12 March 2008 at 20:47

    Two from the office:

    You are concealing your tears of laughter because there is no one in the office who would understand ANY of these 22…none that will openly admit it anyway.

    Anyone who speaks in a Scottish accent, you have to join in and say ‘It’s these dilithium crystals, captain”

  9. dkmnow said,

    12 March 2008 at 19:58

    Or, when someone asks, “Hey, aren’t you one of Jerry’s Kids?,” you quickly put on your fake gotee and snarl, “NO! I’m his evil twin from the Evil Parallel Universe! You will submit to the Empire! HAHAHAHA!!!”

    Due to extensive genre-overlap, I think randomly shouting “TIMM-EH!” would very nearly qualify as well.

    :-D


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