“Searching, please hold …”

NOTE: BEVERAGE-SPEW WARNING — funny stuff ahead

  • request the pleasure of your company

Why, thank you!

Every day I like to look at the search terms that brought people to my blog. And every day there are several requests for “cat drawing” or some variation thereof, which lands people on my page about prosopagnosia, as does “faceblindness”. Of course, every Web site gets its share of weird search hits. Here are some of mine, including my all-time favourites, which are at the end of the list. (As you might guess from some of these truncated references, the WordPress search-term lister has a character limit.)

Meanwhile, I have:

  • prove you are not a robot

That would be related to the devilish annoyance of CAPTCHA. I hope! Sometimes I think people view search engines as modern versions of crystal balls — a lot of queries are scripted in ways that suggest someone is asking questions of an oracle:

  • why would make a child who has always be
  • im pregnant, will i get made to get my b
  • how do math and science compare to one a
  • is it difficult for disabled women to fi

To find? To finish? To fib? To figure out? To fit in? To fix? Hell, some days I feel like I can’t do any of those things. But let’s move on before this post qualifies as one of those.

  • live butterfly wings

Tip for the day: removing the wings results in a non-live butterfly.

Now remember students, spelling counts! Well, I shouldn’t be one to complain, as sometimes I type a word into my Google box just to check the spelling. Or do people type with accents, like the first one?

  • ow to do long divisin
  • socks u wear
  • asking math questons
  • quackery sesory intergation
  • i want to do a assigment why physica pun

Sometimes people are trying to find cosmic cheat-sheets for homework:

  • thesis statement for PTSD
  • persuasive essay on sexist jokes
  • persuasive essay for teaching children w
  • Define and provide examples of health an
  • different page examples for Mitosis Flip
  • household things that look like organell
  • which “load” apply on the “bridge”
  • microbiology cram tips

When they’re not looking for homework answers, they’re looking for tests:

  • auditory processing disorder tests
  • autism test girl aspergers
  • adhd girls’ behavior tends to include
  • difrence persuasive developmental dis

A persuasive developmental disorder? They probably mean pervasive developmental disorder, i.e. autism. Maybe. Then again, that sounds like a case of “Auditory Processing Disorder“.

  • fear of listening to voicemail
  • What does it sound like to have Central
  • CAPD asperger accent

There’s an asperger accent? Well anyway, a lot of diagnostic confusion lands people here:

  • ADHD and Manual Transmission
  • hyperacussis and ocd
  • mutant humans
  • nonverbal communication holland
  • green tea tinnitus

And sometimes the queries are just really odd and I’ve NO idea how they end up here (beyond the sheer combinatorial mechanics):

  • Christian singers that sound like Enya
  • fallacies with national park problems
  • pregnant goldfish
  • Chewing gum christmas tree
  • steps to put on a button shirt
  • how many time the letter f appears
  • interior plains jobs and animals
  • tornadoes going through a waterfall
  • What to do in the tub
  • define non verbal military intelligence
  • venus round

Or what the hell the person is looking for:

  • describe a monkey grade one project
  • difficulty of student egypt,computer ski
  • non verbal, voice message
  • oblivion how to set down objects on shel
  • England “head cold” research long

Some of the queries are just frightening:

  • adult gaze aversion treatment
  • student who bullies, cracks knuckles, wo
  • i disagree with inclusion
  • crush insect
  • people with certain face shapes can’t be
  • self hatred and loathing
  • autist children and ways to stop the roc
  • lost my thumb
  • pain, then passing out, feeling cold

Some of the queries qualify for the Uh-Oh! file:

  • how to get a dog to take a pill without
  • computer system overload
  • classroom accommodations migraine
  • what to do about a bad counselor
  • ‘computer was coming on with error messa

And some of them are just funny:

  • what is argh
  • Lego roadkill

But my all-time favourites are:

  • autistic stimming benefits
  • fudge brownies proximate analysis

Dang, if there’s a means of calculating a proximate analysis to find hidden sources of fudge brownies, I want to know it too!


  1. qw88nb88 said,

    16 December 2007 at 23:13

    Ms Crip Chick: then come on over for dinner, damnit!

  2. cripchick said,

    16 December 2007 at 20:23


  3. qw88nb88 said,

    15 December 2007 at 15:09

    lilwatchergirl, I don’t know where the control panel for such is located for blogspot users; in WordPress, it’s reached by selecting the Dashboard menu, Blog Stats tab, and then clicking on Search Engine Terms header to see the complete listing. Hopefully you have similarly-named menu items in blogspot.

    You probably do get questions about lesbian sex — this week, I’ve had “aspie gender mtf”, “lesbians”, “cartoon sperm” and “titties” in my lists. Oh, and “aphid daughters” which is all about parthenogenesis, a process by which females bear female offspring without ever having sex (story here).


  4. Marla said,

    15 December 2007 at 14:21

    Yes, some of those are just plain weird. You wonder what makes people look for such things?

  5. Norah said,

    15 December 2007 at 10:40

    I think my favourite is “What to do in the tub” :D

  6. 15 December 2007 at 8:56

    How do you do this? I’m curious to see what leads people to my blog. And hoping it’s not queries about lesbian sex. ;)

  7. qw88nb88 said,

    15 December 2007 at 5:07

    Kay, I’ve also always wondered what people come away with. I mean, what percentage of people click on a link, glance at the page, and then move on because it’s totally irrelevant to what they’re looking for? Or how many people end up looking for one thing, but find something else they need when they get here? Or best of all, how many people find what they were looking for and then some? Judging by the comments, my page on “Auditory Processing Disorder“ sometimes qualifies for the latter.

    Well, I always appreciate comments and questions from readers, that’s for sure! Although I’ll leave for someone else to come up with an answer the latest query for the digital oracle:
    what is considered beauty among women


  8. JSmth said,

    15 December 2007 at 4:49

    Interesting. Personally, I ask questions of search engines* when I want to find an answer to a specific question. Sometimes I am directed to a Yahoo! Questions page or a Wikipedia article that answers my question, and sometimes I end up at a university student’s or teacher’s topic-specific page. I feel like I get more accurate results when I ask questions, but that may be the order of the keywords. Or fantasy, y’know.

    * = usually Google’s I’m Feeling Lucky, which is built into Firefox’s address field

  9. Penny said,

    15 December 2007 at 4:24

    As opposed to “socks u DON’T wear”?!?!?

  10. Kay Olson said,

    15 December 2007 at 4:19

    I love love LOVE reading about other bloggers’ weird queries. They always include some real head-scratchers, as you’ve noted. I wish they included news of what the person doing the query went away from your blog having learned. I mean, if the query can be that strange, who knows what the answer looks like?

  11. Catana said,

    15 December 2007 at 4:07

    I’m jealous. Your queries are much more interesting than mine. Though I do get a doozy now and then.

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